Torn

Ok so today kind of sucked. It all started last night, Millie had been acting fussy most of the day, but honestly I chalked it up to needing a nap and one too many rainy days. Then around 7:30 I am holding her and I realize she is burning up. I take her temp and it is 103. Now mind you I am a pediatric nurse so I don't panic, but I don't care who you are, if your kid is sick you feel helpless. She was pretty pathetic and when Wayne got home and we put her to bed her temp, even after motrin, was still high. She awoke at 1 am burning up and miserable. Well dummy me volunteered to work my day off several weeks ago, so I was expected at work this am. This is where my delima occurs. It is a feeling all working mothers can understand. You are a responsible adult, who needs money and wants your coworkers to be able to count on you, but then there is this little person, who looks like you and is your heart. She looks at you with those big blue eyes and says "Mooommmyyy" and your heart breaks. I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave her. I feel horrible guilt over leaving my coworkers, but I honestly don't think I could have lived with myself if I had left Millie. It is a problem no mother should be faced with, but one they are all faced with. It is this day, less than a week from mother's day, when I realize that this is the toughest job I will ever have. And it is today that I realized that Millie is my number one priority, I always felt that way, but today I made the choice and I chose her. I still feel guilt, but deep down, I am very proud of my decision. I would also like to thank my coworkers, fellow mothers, for allowing me to leave with only hugs and nice words. I know they were probably murmuring, but none of them were anything but nice. And just an update on Millie, she is sleeping now. Her temp before bed was a respectable 100.7 and Dr. Fraser said while she had blisters on her throat, it was not strep and she should feel better in a few days. The main thing I take from today is I am grateful to have a supportive boss, (Dr Fraser even called to check on her this afternoon) , supportive coworkers, (they called to make sure they didn't hurt my feelings), a supportive husband (who said do whatever you need to do, stay home if you want to or go to work and I will stay with Millie, which is what I needed to hear), but mainly I am grateful to one certain mom, (you know who you are) who said to me " go home, she is your kid, she needs you" because that is what I needed to hear. I am truly blessed.

See Ya Tomorrow,

Holly